One Week Of Madness, Brought To You By... (part 5)

[Friday]: The promise of a duel
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Camera pans down a narrow, white-painted corridor; wooden doors are visible at intervals: a setting instantly recognisable to many as the top floor of Blue Boar O. We watch as a redhead-blonde-brunette (ratio 3:2:5) knocks on door 21.

ANGLE: DOOR, SPYHOLE SECTION CENTRE-CAMERA; ALL OTHER SCENERY OFF CAMERA

KIERAN: [off-camera and muffled] Hello?
[pause]

[sound of spyhole being used; door unlocks]

We see Kieran as the door inches open. Hostility is well restrained, but sanity does seem on the point of flying south for winter.

KIERAN: Come in...

BAILEY follows KIERAN inside.

ANGLE: INSIDE 21, POSITION FROM CORNER TO LEFT OF DOOR INTO THE ROOM

The general dishevelment of the room now suggests sanity may have already reached Ghana and is yet breaking the sound barrier. Almost every available surface is blanketed with loose sheets of paper decorated with sinister mathematical thought.

KIERAN sits on the single available seat, near a laptop.

KIERAN: ["pleasantly"] Sit down.
BAILEY: [eyeing papers] On what?
KIERAN: [matter-of-fact] The floor.
BAILEY: I'll stand...
[pause]
KIERAN: Sit...

BAILEY does not. KIERAN returns to the computer.

KIERAN: I think we'll have some music.

KIERAN double-clicks Media Player. Nothing happens.

KIERAN: Any minute now.

He clicks again. Still more nothing occurs. Soft comments to the effect of "idiot machine" are heard. The programme starts after more clicking and a considerable loss of dramatic atmosphere.

KIERAN: Do you like gangsta rap?
BAILEY: No.
KIERAN: I like gangsta rap. I think we'll have some rap...

[Background music starts: MC Hawking, Mighty Stephen Hawking]

KIERAN turns his chair to better view his "victim".

{{{ Author's note - at this point I have forgotten a great amount of what follows, so the following is paraphrased from what I remember...}}}

KIERAN: Now. Would you like a strawberry..?
BAILEY: Nope... [still eyeing paper drifts with disbelief] Do your bedders come in here?
KIERAN: I'm leading this conversation, thank you. Now.

The eyes of both drift unbidden to rest on the strawberries.

CLOSE-UP: STRAWBERRIES for dramatic effect while people have time to think about the Strawberry's run of pranks.

KIERAN: Now. You will meet me in a duel. With water pistols.
BAILEY: [laughs, then stops abruptly] Oh right. You're serious.
KIERAN: On the Backs.
BAILEY: Right.
KIERAN: You will have a second, and a third. As will I. Richard will be your third, but not your second.

Bailey's expression changes marginally at the last point. Kieran looks triumphant.

KIERAN: Ahhhh, see what I did there? And Richard will wear a Teletubby costume.
BAILEY: [grins at Richartubby flashbacks] Fine by me...
KIERAN: You will acquire water guns by Sunday.
BAILEY: Done. Do you have something separate planned for Richard?
KIERAN: Oh, I have something even prettier planned for him.

They shake hands.

KIERAN: Oh, and you will announce your spares by tomorrow.

BAILEY nods and moves to go.

BAILEY: [while moving out the door] Okay. By the way, good to know you finally broke.

ANGLE: HALLWAY, FACING 21 FROM MID-CORRIDOR

As BAILEY walks off-camera to room 15, a final indignant sound is heard floating down the corridor in her wake.

KIERAN: [off-camera] BROKE??!!

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The spares were announced in an over-blown, over-dramatic notice (as unfortunately seems to be the only form of notice I'm capable of making these days) pinned to my door.

"BAILEY,
one half of the esteemed
UBIQUITOUS STRAWBERRY
and practical joker of nascent legend, hereby announces the spares for Sunday's duel.

My second shall be
JESSRIADA - master of all water weaponry

My third shall be
RICHARD P. C. "NOT-SO-TINKY-WINKY" MANNS - fellow half-Strawberry; Teletubby costume not included

I look forward to our duel and the announcement of Msr. Phillips' spares with interest.

May God have mercy on your soul.

Signed
Bailey."