1: Hearing you will be getting a new phone creates a twin sense of a) excitement at having something new to play with and b) dread at the possibility of not being able to do the things with it that everyone will expect you to be able to do.
2: Browsing through the possibilities in a phone catalogue (baby name book) is difficult, but in the end you must choose which one goes on that form.
(which leads me to)
3: There's a surprising amount of paperwork involved.
4: There is quite a strong possibility that you will love yours on sight when it's first handed to you. Less serious use of the word "love" with the phone, admittedly.
5: You immediately tell everyone you're in contact with that you've got one.
6: People want to see your new addition when they hear about it.
7: You have to pick it up to make it be quiet.
8: Every so often, the inbox - or in babies, to be more accurate, the outbox - gets filled up and needs you to clean it.
9: You only start to realise how things are supposed to work with it after a while, and even then it can be unpredictable.
10: It takes up a lot of your attention and has the power to make you ignore both other people and your surroundings.
11: Small, often nice to look at, frequently very expensive to have.
12: Seem to require a disproportionate amount of accessories at times.
13: Can be very, very, loud. And often not at the best times.
14: Just as you start to understand how they work... they're significantly older... so it's about time to move on.
15: Each new one means the whole learning process has to start all over again.
Thank you for listening. In case you're wondering... I got a new phone today. It has video/camera, poly & true tones, MP3 player - ahhhh, I'm very happy with it.
19 comments:
If you mean "Is 'thankfully childless' a subtle hint?", then yes.
:D
Sure you're not Ed Heaney? :P
I'm liking the comparison there! Another one to add to your list may be that if you fall in a river carrying a phone, like with a baby, it breaks.
Taking into account the one that Tom so cleverly thought up (kudos Tom!) then
17. You may admire the ones other people have, but that doesn't necessarily mean you want one of your own.
18. You often wonder why people who own them can't make them shut the hell up.
19. If you swear loudly at it in public, people look at you strangely.
And some wonderful dissimilarities between phones and babies, that are probably the only reason that I do have a phone:
1. Don't you wish babies had an off button? Or even a Silent mode that you can turn on and off when you choose?
2. One is a lot easier to take on holidays with you. Or to work. Or to romantic candlelit dinners.
3. One is just messy.
4. You can trade in the old model for a new one any time you get bored of the first model. But not with children. (Although, I suppose there are adoption centres...)
5. You can hit one without being reported to the RSPCC and put in jail.
6. You need to recharge the energy supplies on a phone far less often than you do with a baby. And said recharging leaves you feeling less sore - unless you inadvertently stick your finger in the mains socket.
(To whomever has before stuck their finger in a mains socket - I'm glad that you own a phone and not a baby.)
Another difference -
You can use a phone as a vibrator. :D
Of course I didn't think of that one, Richard - this is a FAMILY website!
(Not to mention that my mind is as pure as the driven snow, as clean as a shirt in a detergent commercial (the clean one, not the dirty one), etc, etc...)
I think you should start drafting that letter of apology to Mammy Donnelly now....
By the by, babies vibrate when they cry, don't they?
Teenylittlebaby Louise used to have the proverbial quivery lower lip when she cried, if I remember right... looking at it was like trying to watch a hummingbird's wings.
They also tend to thrash about a bit. :P
Wow, I saw "10 comments" today and thought, "Argh, not the spammers again."
[thinks again]
...
Never mind. :P
If you encase them both in radiation-absorbing lead, they will both stop working (eventually).
And if they don't shut up, punching them in the face does little good.
But James... hitting a phone DOES work.
This is a punch, not a finger press. I do suppose if you punch it hard enough it will shut it up, but you could again say the same about a baby.
Humm... I guess it all depends upon the intensity of the punch in question.
If you want to use either a baby or a phone in a car you have to buy a special seat for them both... Creepy! They are the same!
Raise your hand if you'd be somewhat reassured by James saying "I've never actually thought about doing this, by the way..."?
I sincerely hope he's never had to babysit. :P
Other peoples phones, as with other peoples babies, are just plain UGLY!
....And if your phone/baby is the ugly one, then maybe it IS time to upgrade
I suppose the Service you are using: Orange/O2/ etc. is a lot like the father...
It barely does anything for the phone/baby and hardly ever cooperates.
Also leaves at the most inapropriate times.
This would apply to all networks....except "Virgin"
That would be more like a stepfather wouldn't it?
I think Virgin would be the godfather (the spiritual one, not the Mafia one) who is there for moral support (but not much else). The godfather who can't get any, that is. I say this because I always assumed that stepfathers got something on the night they marry yer ma.
No... because godfathers tend to do lots for their godchildren, or at least, give them presents and don't attempt to weigh in on discipline, thus making them the nicest person the child is aware of at that point in their life... or maybe I was lucky. :P
We have two problems when deciding what "Virgin" is:
1)It must not involve the act of baby-making
2)It cannot do anything useful for the baby/phone or its mother/owner, but must still have some close connection to both, to explain the fact that you realise it's around, but never when you need it, and that it shows up at the most inopportune times looking for more of your money.
For this reason I suggest an older sibling of the baby in the early (ie. troublesome) teen age bracket.
This would also explain where those phone-begetting networks come from.
"Awww... one day, my phone will grow up to be a big network, just like his daddy."
2) It cannot do anything useful for the baby/phone or its mother/owner, but must still have some close connection to both, to explain the fact that you realise it's around, but never when you need it, and that it shows up at the most inopportune times looking for more of your money.
I was going to say "the father!!!" but then realised that I'd omitted to notice specification 1).
It could be the person everyone thinks is the father....
....and then there's the "grandfather" network.
(Northern Ireland specific)
The one that switches from O2-UK to O2-Irl while in the same room.
This network/grandfather is useless and senile, confirmed by the "Welcome to Ireland" text message he sends you every day.
Bwahahahaha.
Ha.
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